I less than three Aunt Becky

If you aren’t reading Mommy Wants Vodka, well, I just don’t know what to do with you. She’s asking her readers to participate in an online interview and so I am, because it is late on a Friday and I’ve had wine and I’m warm from my bath, which all equal a sharing mood.

Mommy Wants Vodka

1) Do you like sprinkles on your ice cream?

Not especially. When you can have coffee ice cream with hot fudge sauce and peanut butter, why eat anything else? God himself would eat this if he couldn’t get his hands on Americone Dream.

2) If you had to choose one word to banish from the English language, what would it be and why?

Ohhhh…one? Just one? Slurp. It has a ghastly onomatopoeia to it. See also: moist. Gag.

3) If you were a flavor, what would it be?

Pecan. Totally nutty, but mostly sweet.

4) What’s the most pointless annoying chore you can think of that you do on a daily/weekly basis?

Dusting. The landscaping ninjas come by once a week and Hawaii is capital D Dusty anyway, so my house is always coated in low-level grime. I dust every other day and I still can’t get ahead of it, so the impetus to dust is not as high as the impetus to say “Screw it” and have a Sam Adams.

5) Of all the nicknames I’ve ever had in my life, Aunt Becky is the most widely known and probably my favorite. What’s your favorite nickname? (for yourself)

Albatross Woman, so granted by my friend Kelley (where Maggie’s middle name comes from) because I was once the only person in the room who knew what Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner was. Also, I had superpowers, which in early 2004 was the ability to suck back Skyy like Gatorade on the weekends and still rock the Dean’s List.

6) You’re stuck on a desert island with the collective works of 5 (and only five) musical artists for the rest of your life. Who are they?

Cat Power, Five Iron Frenzy, The Beatles, Alison Krauss, and Beyonce (I would absolutely put a ring on that.)

7) Everything is better with bacon. True or false?

I give you the Bacon Weave Turkey Breast of Awesome, Thanksgiving 2009.

Now how could you possibly answer “False”?

8 ) If I could go back in time and tell Young Aunt Becky one thing, it would be that out of chaos, order will emerge. Also: tutus go with everything. What would you tell young self?

I actually did read the best piece of advice before I graduated high school and set out into the world, and it was this line from Kurt Vonnegut’s God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater:

“Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It’s hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It’s round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you’ve got about a hundred years here. There’s only one rule that I know of, babies—God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.”

Post-college, I would expand that to say that if you’re going to drink red Gatorade to stave off a hangover, make sure you don’t have a presentation the next morning, Ms. Bozo Clownface.