Things I Have Learned

So! Maggie can crawl. Not just the halting wiggles of two weeks ago. She’s like the speed skater of crawling now, just as I knew she one day would be. But despite knowing that academically, I don’t think I really internalized the consequences until today, when I learned the following in a rather rapid and harrowing sequence of unpleasantness:

1. Maggie can crawl into the bathroom faster than I can finish my business and is fascinated by the roach bait trap. (The BUGS are still a minor problem, as is my potty mouth. I need a cuss jar like my Nana had back in the day when we charged her $0.05 per swear. Or I can just get more creative with my epithets.)

2. Hawaii Poison Control needs brand names to make a determination, leading me into the kitchen.

3. Our IKEA dining table chairs are an ineffective barrier for children who need to be kept out of the kitchen because…

4. …They are light enough that a burly 9-month old can pull the chair down on top of her head while you’re looking for the box of roach baits.

5. You can’t hear Poison Control over a screaming baby-turned-air raid siren…

6. …But if you have one ready, frozen water-filled plastic teething rings are good for swelling lips and comforting the bruised and battered…

7. And once you have silence, then you will hear that roach bait doesn’t have any elements that are harmful to mammals…

8. Which still isn’t going to stop you from throwing them all away in a fit of paranoid pique.

Fin.

In the immortal words of Robin Williams from The Birdcage, “I’ve never had so much go so wrong so quickly!” I begged Tom to report me to child services, because I am so clearly unfit, but he laughed it off and said something about “normal bumps and bruises” which is a crock of roach bait because competent mothers don’t lose control of this stuff. Except when they do, and they do all the time.

Hardcore childproofing begins this weekend.

ETA: I just noticed my “Idiot at Life” tag is really getting a workout this month. I hereby declare February to be the Month of Personal Awesomeness.

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4 thoughts on “Things I Have Learned

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