When some women are pregnant, they become beatific rays of sunshine casting a warm, maternal glow of love over all they see and touch.
I…am not that woman.
In fact, pregnancy makes me downright hostile. I have nothing even close to resembling a sense of humor. I try to focus on the positive, dwell on things that are pleasant and happy as to fill myself with good vibes. But once in a while I just need to scream, let it out, and continue on with my life.
This is that scream. A tongue-in-cheek, not-exactly-primal, not-losing-sleep-over-these scream, but a scream nonetheless. So without further ado, here are some of the completely random and irrational things that are causing my nostrils to flare and my ears to lie flat like a Doberman’s.
* I can’t find bagels anywhere and my pointed comments to friends that I would pay the cost of 2-day Fed Ex shipping to England in order to get my teeth around some doughy Asiago cheese goodness have gone unheeded. I THOUGHT YOU PEOPLE LOVED ME.
* Spaces between the last word in the sentence and the exclamation point. I understand that autocorrect is responsible for a lot of this because it automatically adds a space and most people don’t bother to fix it before posting. But y’all, I beg you. Most of the smartphone-using world has a full QUERTY. Engage your backspace. It’s not supposed to look like this !
* The odor-killing insert lurking somewhere in my dishwasher that I cannot locate. It smells like artificial lemons and very, very, very real decomposing death. That could be the sickness talking.
* This isn’t my first rodeo, but exactly how much longer am I going to be sick? I was starting to feel better around now with Maggie.
* Blogs that overuse the word “nourish.” Or hell, blogs that use it at all. I declare a moratorium on this word in hippie blogging. Yes, we get it, you’re feeding your physical hunger but you’re also feeding THE CLEANSED AURA OF YOUR PINK SPARKLY SOULS. We really and truly understand that you are filling both your piehole and your spiritual wellness reservoir. Crack a thesaurus and spare us this horrible, deeply-overused word.
* Diaper blowouts. Tolerable on infants…not so much on toddlers. I want that 20 minutes back.
* Blogs dedicated to homeschooling that are improperly punctuated and are riddled with usage errors. Bonus points to those that know that grammar (at which I am horrible) and usage (at which I am better and over which I am more likely to become seething mad) are not the same. I don’t claim to know much, and I don’t think you need to know everything to teach your kids–but you better know where your shortcomings are and how to fix them (you’re/your: LEARN IT).
* Related to the last: “lose” as in “losing” is not the same as “loose” as in “Hey, these jeans used to be loose. Time to unzip” because LOSE DOESN’T HAVE TWO Os. See also: phase/faze, bawling/balling, pour/pore.
* The song “Hold On” by Wilson Phillips. It became stuck in my head a day or two ago and hasn’t left. “Hoo-oooooold onnnnnnnn for ONE MORE DAY.”
I think that’s about it.