Moira, Part 1

Before we begin, I leave you with Dr. Spaceman of “30 Rock” and his wisdom on childbirth: “Everything about this is disgusting!” So consider yourself warned about the graphic content ahead. You don’t like bodily processes…perhaps go read something about the Supercommittee. Same quantity of poo, different type.


On November 6 I started feeling odd. Not in labor, but the intensity of the Braxton-Hicks contractions picked up along with the lower back pain and my emotions had spiraled out of control. Waves of nausea would hit at random times and my digestion was shot–most mornings began with stomach pain and gas. You might have noted that Moira was born on the 18th…and my due date was the 11th. I spent 12 days in pre-labor bodily prep, seven of which were after my due date, and straining to maintain a Zen attitude about it all. So you’ll understand why, when my first few contractions hit like a runaway train and woke me from a sound sleep around 6am, I brushed them off as the French onion soup I had for dinner.

Maggie woke up around 8 and by this time I suspected there might be more to this than wine-infused beef broth and gruyere. I had enough presence of mind to think “There is no way I can prepare a hot breakfast” as I flipped Maggie a dry scone, summoned Tom home from work, and called the midwife. I thought about timing contractions but the app I got for that purpose was on the iPad, which Maggie had stolen while I was on the phone, and I was too busy groaning to use my watch. My best guess was every 5 minutes.

Tom arrived home to find me hanging from the stair railing like a rhesus monkey and took over, setting Maggie up with a proper breakfast and a day’s worth of amusements on the DVD player. I did as I normally do under stress and paced aimlessly, suggesting that Tom run a quick vacuum in our room before making the bed up in plastic. Once he did I was able to administer a chlorhexdine…let’s call it a wash instead of what it really is (rhymes with sploosh), recommended by some for group B strep positives who don’t want to go to a hospital for antibiotics. Now, my mother used to keep the books for a convenience store/gas station and the back hallways were lined with various cleaning fluids and windshield wiper spray. I am here to tell you that the antiseptic smelled exactly like car cleaning fluid. So obviously I was really excited to administer it to my hoo-ha.

Proust had his madelines; I have my windshield wipers.

I kept pacing and harassing Tom about setting up the house. Finally I realized I was making us both nervous and hit the shower. Ohhhh…shower good. I had three contractions while showering that required my full attention to get through but I still managed to condition and shave my underarms. It’s the little things, you know? But then I realized: it was only a ten-minute shower. And the contractions were lasting about a minute. That…was that right? That couldn’t be right. That was too fast. I got Tom to wrestle the iPad away from Maggie and officially started tracking: less than three minutes apart. I tried to sit on the exercise ball but had to stand up and hang off our closet shelves to power through each contraction. Apparently my pains were counteracted by all my sloppily-folded laundry.

I started wondering where the midwives were, because dude, this was really starting to hurt. Time to call in reinforcements; that is, wake up my mother in Florida. I didn’t think she’d mind (actually, I didn’t really care because I don’t know if you’ve heard: contractions hurt) because what mother doesn’t like to hear that her child needs to hear her voice, even if said child is an alleged adult groaning under the strain of passing a human being? While I was making my mother feel bad for me I had to excuse myself to take solace in my laundry, which is a pretty effective way to end a call.

Now, as an obsessive type with a fast computer and internet connection, I had done a lot of homework prior to the birth. I spent a lot of time studying this article on labor positions and committing the various merits and demerits to memory. Despite the red flashing warnings going off in my brain reminding me that lying on my side makes contractions “more effective” (re: stronger) and slowing labor, I hit the bed to assume the position that got me through labor with Maggie: on my side biting on my pillow.

Once on my side my groaning got an upgrade to full-on yelling. I wouldn’t call it screaming (not yet) but the contractions required a lot of volume. My midwife, K, arrived and I begged for something that most women dread: the dilation check. Since my midwife is smarter than I am she tried to talk me out of it.

“We don’t usually do that…it’s quite uncomfortable.”

“I need to know. I need to know how much further I have to go.”

“If that’s what you want I’ll do it. But we really don’t do this typically.”

So…she checked.

This was…unwise.

Once I peeled myself off the ceiling I immediately accepted the wisdom of my midwife’s warning and didn’t ask again. However, I realized I could really have used Tom’s hand to hold during all that. I could hear crashing around downstairs and realized he was doing dishes. I resolved to break UK handgun laws and shoot him in half at the first opportunity but later he clarified that he was getting Maggie settled so she wouldn’t come upstairs. That was acceptable and I no longer felt the need to murder him in a highly sensational way.

Another part of my prep was reading birth stories online; stories of this type glut the parent blogs but my favorite is from Fussy. (“I shit my guts out. Labor does not begin.”) Having essentially committed it to memory I was more than willing to head for the toilet when my midwife suggested that “having a wee” would help me get more comfortable. I don’t know if that’s true but I didn’t care: sitting upright DOES feel glorious! Hallelujah for gravity! Tom set up shop at the edge of the tub as I downgraded my yelling to “focused moaning.” It didn’t hurt any less but the position allowed me to feel like the baby might come out in a sensible way. I felt well enough to think about Maggie:

“Does she have water? A sippy?”

“Yes, she is fine. She isn’t bothered or scared.”

“I love her so much.”

“I know. So does she.”

For the record, she spent the labor watching movies in her britches:


The other nice thing about this position? Less messy. You cannot give birth to a ten-pound child without also giving birth to a lot of mess. Your metaphorical bathwater is going to get tossed out with the baby. Everything about this is disgusting.

Despite this, I was still really working against two problems: every contraction triggered a panicky flight response and my skin felt like it had gone to super-receptor. It literally felt like I was buzzing–actual, literal vibrating from the endorphins. Not only could I not stand to be touched or spoken to by anyone else, oh no: I couldn’t bear for my OWN hands to touch me during a contraction. So my arms went between fluttering uselessly and death-gripping the edge of the tub in one hand and my pillow in the other. Sometimes I would stand to stretch my back and incorrectly timed sitting back down, which was excruciating. Tom helped me drink sips of water. They took my temperature and pronounced it normal, which shocked me because I felt like I was on fire. All I wanted to do was lie down and go to sleep; I wanted to return to the days of twilight sleep and forceps. I kept thinking “I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to be here anymore.”

And then the cold voice of reason and self-preservation spoke up from the bottom of my brain stem: “So don’t be here. Find somewhere else to be.”

…Huh. That’s not a bad idea, Voice. I think I’ll go here:

Nice, eh? This is Chun’s Reef, my favorite beach on the North Shore. Tom tells me that around this time I completely checked out. I stopped vocalizing and shut my eyes; there were a few times they thought I fell asleep. For my part, I was on the beach. I was feeling the heat of the sun on the black lava rocks under my feet and the salt drying on my shoulders. Every contraction brought me into the tidal pools.

Time passed, just me and my beloved Hawaiian sunshine. An hour and then into a second hour.

And it was fine. Everything was fine. Two or three nasty ones snuck in but I handled them. Later I mentioned to Tom how if I had a long labor I might have given up. He disagreed: “You were in the zone. You could have kept it up for hours.” And I could have except the feeling of a Shrike missile dropping into my lower pelvis completely wrecked the groove. I snapped back and shrieked, which summoned both midwives from the hallway where they had been discussing ordering sandwiches for what they thought might be the long afternoon ahead. Then another one, and another, just as intense. It was almost noon.

“What’s happening?”


“In what way?”

“BURRRRRRRRNING!” (In my mind I heard Ralph Wiggum. Go figure.)

“Can you check yourself?”

Before I wreck myself? Regardless, I checked. Everything was right there.

“Okay, the baby’s moved down. Can you get on all fours?” No, I sure as fuck could not. K said very calmly “Well, okay, Deanna, but you can’t have your baby on the loo.”

That made sense but I was stumped. Frozen and stumped. At that second I could no sooner have moved from that position than I could have jumped up to do the rumba. I had to make myself remember how to stand. “Just…give me a second.” Tom and the midwives got me up and walked me through the longest 15 feet of my life: from my bathroom to my bed. I let everyone position me: on hands and knees, head face-down on a stack of pillows, and a half-dozen strategically arranged towels under me.

My water broke at 12:03 with a pop I felt in my ears and teeth. I prayed nothing had hit the wall behind me and tried to find the words to summon Tom to my head and away from his bird’s eye perspective of the carnage but it would have interfered with the unabashed screaming I was doing. (Maggie watched on downstairs, oblivious.) A few more contractions brought the head came barreling through.

“Gently now, gently! Wait for the next contraction!”

“I CAN’T!” I roared. “Get it out, oh my God, get it OUT!” Tom admitted that at the time he felt terrible for me but fully anticipated having a laugh about my first words to our child later. He had a perfect view of the baby’s face and arm, which emerged at the same time, and was able to answer “Fine, it’s fine” when I asked if our silent baby was okay. You see, he got to see her brushing her face off with her little hand and begin to smack her lips and root for food. Not even fully born and looking for a snack.

While Tom was sniffing back tears and waxing sentimental, I was dealing with the wall. The head that had emerged so freely slammed into a shoulder barricade and the whole works halted.

If I live to be 100 I don’t know if I will ever have occasion to scream that loudly ever again.

Thankfully, K was able to adjust the shoulders and a mere ten minutes after my water broke, Moira was born in a frenzied push and laid, perfectly pink and as plump as a roast, on the bed underneath me. Tom yelled “It’s a Moira!” I babbled and cried and laughed. “Moira!” She looked around, as shocked as I was, but quiet and rosy and happy despite the frantic cleaning going on around her. Tom helped me maneuver to lie down and they put Moira on my belly, and we looked at our baby together.

And that’s how it was.



I have to sit down and write a birth story–wonder! awe! people doing dishes! a Georgia O’Keefe reference!–but I can’t just yet. It would require using both hands to do all that typing and they are a mite full:


Obviously, I need to snuggle this constantly. She is as warm and soft and smooshy as a baby sharpei and so sweet and mellow that holding her is like taking an antidepressant. We are completely baby-high.

I will say now that the birth was a phenomenal experience. Birthing a TEN POUND BABY OH MY GOD makes a good story regardless but doing so in your bedroom…yeah. There is much to say. But for now I am going to keep doing this:



Better Ask A Breeder: Baby Shower Edition

Well! By all metrics, I am officially overdue. Someday I’ll write about why my induction at 41 weeks with Maggie turned from an “Eh, no regrets” event into an “OMG MUST NOT EVER REPEAT” incident and how it led to us choosing homebirth with a midwife this time around, but today is not that day. Time and perspective shed a lot of light on how I really felt about it and it’s kind of an emotional topic. Suffice it to say that if this kid isn’t coming until 41, 42, or even 43 weeks…que sera, sera. It’s a circumstance I will accept with…well, if not patience or grace, silence and lack of complaint. Unless you ask me where the baby is. Then I’m unloading both barrels of a shotgun into you because is there a worse question to ask the enormously pregnant? I think not.

But today I have useful information for you! Oh indeedy. Since I already covered valuable things I used during my pregnancy I’m going to talk about crap. (Not literal crap.) My nephew is about 15 months older than my daughter so when we went to Babies R Us in the middle of my sister’s pregnancy to fill out her registry we were both totally overwhelmed by the options. I distinctly remember having this conversation:

“Do you know anything about babies?”

“I thought you did.”

“We should call Mom.”

Going through the recommended items list calmed us down considerably; it seemed as though every third item could be replaced by “extra hand towel.” Or a family member. (“Sleep positioner? Entertainment pad?” “…We were just going to use Uncle Brian.”) It is with that experience and then a later one where I wrote a column about useful baby gear that I tell you there is a LOT of useless crap that the baby industry will peddle to you to make a buck. So here are a few items that you should never, ever give at a baby shower–even if the parents-to-be have registered for it.

1. Scented bath products

Never mind that Johnson & Johnson’s is reportedly chock-full of formaldehyde; you’re still talking about a brand-spanking-new human. Nearly EVERYTHING is going to irritate their skin. So if you must get bath products for a shower, stick with Burt’s Bees Baby Wash (which has a mild rating on Cosmetics Database) and diaper cream or if you can swing it, California Baby (which also has mild ratings but is really expensive). Basically, you don’t know WHAT is going to cause their skin to break out in rashes or allergic reactions or, God forbid, chemical burns. So save your money.

2. Blankets

The exceptions here are a handmade knitted/crocheted or quilted blanket and Aden and Anais swaddle blankets because a) handmade gifts are keepsakes and b) A&A blankets rule all within their sight. Everything else? Feh. EVERYONE gets blankets. Half of them end up at Goodwill or re-gifted. You want to buy something that the parents will really remember? Get a Swaddlebees mattress pad. I received two as gifts and use them daily even now (especially now, actually, since Maggie has taken more than a passing interest in her functions).

3. Baby Bjorns

Of all the overpriced (upwards of $75! Meep!) items with limited functionality you can buy, this has to be the one I hate the most. You can use it in two positions and face your baby front or back. That’s it. That’s all you get. While you’re doing that, the kid’s weight is distributed squarely on your shoulders–bad for you and uncomfortable to boot. And as a bonus, your kid’s weight is centered squarely on the crotch while the hips are being forced into an unnatural position, increasing pelvic pressure where it’s most uncomfortable for the kid and hurting their hip development at the same time. Hates it, precious. Hates the Bjorn.

Get them a Moby Wrap, which are half the price and aren’t hard to use, despite the complicated appearance; if you have the means, pop for an Ergo or Beco carrier. Multiple positions, weight distributed evenly through your back and hips, and the baby’s weight is spread evenly through the thighs while the legs remain in a comfortable and developmentally-appropriate position. We can still comfortably carry Maggie on our backs in the Beco when we travel and she’s comfortable enough to fall asleep in them. Don’t get them a Bjorn. I beg of you.

4. After-market car seat accessories

Positioners, “Snuzzlers”, buntings…no. Don’t do it. They interfere with the correct positioning of the belts and make the seat less effective in a crash. (Actually, did you know you can’t use puffy coats with car seats either? Now you do! They compress and create slack in the straps–put baby in a fleece with a blanket over them and save the puffy coat for your destination.) You can use buntings that fit over the car seat like a shower cap, but not ones that go underneath the baby. If it is made by the manufacturer for use in the baby’s specific seat that’s one thing, but not a third-party product. Registry or not, don’t buy them.

Lecture complete!! There are so many really awesome things out there, but you can give about 85% of it a pass. Absorbent stuff–waterproof pads, burp cloths–is always nice, as are extra pajamas. Diapers. Gift certificates for stuff they may realize they need later. All awesome. Just please, please…skip the Bjorn.

“That’s Poop!” (Walking in the Yorkshire Dales)

I’ve bounced around a bit between care providers during my pregnancy and had a hazy recollection of my last cycle dates, and as such the Fates have awarded me three possible due dates. The first of my three due dates is on Friday (11/11/11, based on my own math) and the other two are next week (11/13, based on my midwife’s math and 11/14, based on the 20-week ultrasound). Everyone seems to agree I’m about 39-40 weeks except the baby, who has shown very little inclination to leave the nest. I’m quite round and still in good spirits, but I’m happy to delegate some responsibilities out. So without further ado I would like to present Tom’s first post in quite some time. It is a tale of wonder and joy…and sheep crap. Enjoy!!
Me: Maggie, do you want to go for a walk?

Maggie: Wanna go for a walk?

Me: Oh, you don’t know what you are getting yourself into. Come along, lets get your coat and pink hat.

Thus began our first foray into hiking the Yorkshire Dales National Park. For the day, our destination was the town of Malham, about 15 minutes northwest of the town of Skipton. The town and surrounding region is a treasure trove of geographic formations and landscapes. A round-trip 7 mile hike will take you past Malham Cove, Janet’s Foss, Gordale Scare, and Malham Tarn. The bleak but dramatic scenery has been painted by J.M.W Turner and used as recently as Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part 1).

Which brings us to the poop. In Hawaii, most of my efforts at hiking were fairly limited due to one major issue: private land. Although Oahu does have a number of state and county parks, trails into the hinterland are often poorly constructed and sometimes impassible due to weather. Any number of online trail guides would direct you to any number of great trails; however, they often came with caveats such as “private land, trespassers will be prosecuted,” or “send $5 right-of-way fee to owner before proceeding on trail.” So pretty much any spontaneous need to hike the Ko’olau’s was tempered by the lyrics of a Five-Man Electric Band song.

A not-so-bleak representation. I swear, England CAN be pretty when it wants to make an effort.

That said, England is almost the exact opposite of Hawaii. There are public footpaths and bridleways all over the country. In fact the English government has made it even easier to pretty much walk anywhere without fear of repercussions through the 2000 Countryside and Rights of Way Act, which pretty much allows you the right to walk on any moorland, downland or heathland. So when trudging across farm fields, over stiles, and through cattle gates, you will be sure to encounter plenty of cow patties and sheep landmines. Of course, it is easy to keep her cooped up in a Beco carrier, but once on the ground an eager two-year old will run everywhere. Turning around just in time, I was able to keep Maggie from diving head-long into a pile of bull hooey.

Me: No, no, no Maggie, do not step in that!

Maggie: What’s that?

Me: That is poop.

Maggie: That’s poop? That’s POOP. THAT’S POOP!!!!!

For the next two hours, every circular brown patch was called out, identified, and noted on Maggie’s travel bingo card. [Ed. note: Maggie does not actually have a travel bingo card. Perhaps we should start her with an animal scat pictogram card and work our way up from there.]

So, feel free to traipse around the many bridleways and public footpaths around the country. With that in mind, always remember to be dexterous and deft…because you have entered the realm of the sheep and the cow.

Never to return

This time last year we were in Takayama, enjoying raw beef (really!) and foliage and getting drenched in the rain. We lived in Hawaii.

Right now? We live in England. Our second child, an idea not even on the table for discussion this time last year, is going to be born any day now.

We’re still getting drenched by the rain. This is northern England, after all.

Thinking of Japan always makes me think of the movie Lost in Translation; since I spent most of the 1980s in diapers or taking naps it’s my favorite Bill Murray movie. If nothing else, this line and his happy-sad, wistful delivery drives it home for me every time:

“The most terrifying day of your life is the day the first one is born. Your life, as you know it…is gone. Never to return. But they learn how to walk, and they learn how to talk…and you want to be with them. And they turn out to be the most delightful people you will ever meet in your life.”

That. That…is exactly it.

That old life is totally, utterly blown away. But I like the one that took its place. And I bet I’ll like life with two even more. Come on, baby.